I was a good kid. I barely touched drugs when I was a teenager. Nor when I was at university. But then, when I was 28, I discovered LSD.
It blew my head off. But not in the way I thought it might. There were no hallucinations, there was no Day-Glo assortment of colours. It was something much more profound. Basically, it was paradise, and it was paradise all the more so for being so adjacent to everyday reality.
The first time I did LSD I was in a family house — a house I’d been to thousands of times before. But suddenly, everything about the place was imbued with new layers of meaning. Touching the chairs that my grandparents and great-grandparents had sat in, I discovered a new understanding of these figures who had always been somewhat remote to me.
My thoughts were still recognisably my own, but rather than having, say, three or four at once, I now seemed to have 11 — each occupying its own dimension, as if in some kind of stereo effect. I would be thinking about different phases of my childhood and the music I was listening to and the room I was in and the dynamics I had with each person around me. At the same time, I felt a calm self-assurance. Having spent my twenties (in retrospect) in the grip of different anxieties, I could now, with the aid of the LSD, see myself far more fully, far more richly. I could see that there were worlds and worlds inside myself — as there are for everyone.
Inevitably, I suppose, that started a journey. The lab-created psychedelics such as LSD and MDMA showed the immense resources latent within a person, and the drop of acid, like a scientist putting a bit of fluid onto a slide, illuminated what was already there. The plant medicines, such as ayahuasca, were where it really got trippy, since these were entirely natural compounds. They seemed to be part of an intelligence that existed throughout the natural world. If I took kambo — a frog venom — I found myself seeing the world like a frog; if peyote, like a cactus. Each one seemed to have their own personality, to have a message directed at a particular psychological tangle in my own life.
Towards the peak of my psychedelic exuberance, in 2017, I realised that I was only a small part of a bigger movement, “a breath, sweeping through the cognoscenti”, as I wrote at the time. So many people I was coming across in this space — perfectly sane, balanced people — had psychedelic experiences that changed their lives. And, for a while, it felt like a dizzying scavenger hunt.
After my LSD experience I began to hear about ayahuasca — which, at the time, still seemed like an urban legend. Soon, I would find myself at a beach cafe near a group actually preparing for an ayahuasca ceremony, complete with Amazonian shamans in full regalia. And then when I was exchanging Facebook friendships with these ayahuascans, I discovered that the one friend we had in common was the most interesting guy I knew in college who turned out to be running a group, based in New York, for taking an African plant, iboga. Inevitably, not long after, iboga would blow my head off.
“All these people I meet all seem to be on the same page — with a united outlook, which is very different from how any of us were raised,” I wrote, trying to understand what was going on. “We believe in self-work, a kind of unremitting self-awareness and self-improvement. We are people of faith, which isn’t religious. It’s more that we believe everything anybody has ever said.” We were part of what became known as the “psychedelic renaissance” — a wave of young people, largely millennials, discovering that psychedelics had been seriously misrepresented in the aftermath of the Sixties culture wars and enthusiastically embracing them as a means for self-knowledge and self-growth.
Within the psychedelic community there were a few widespread, entrenched beliefs. One was that, throughout history, psychedelics had been a core part of the spiritual life of many societies. That is, the use of psychedelics was the norm, and our abstinent society was the exception. This was certainly true in indigenous societies all over the world. The classics professor Carl Ruck had very convincingly argued that the Eleusinian Mysteries in Ancient Greece partook of psychedelic ergot, a fungus that is also in LSD, while a few years ago Brian Muraresku was at least intriguing in claiming that early Christian rites, the Eucharist included, involved psychedelics. In the Fifties, the banker R. Gordon Wasson had been startled to come across a thriving mushroom sect in Mexico, and I experienced a mature, coherent religion in Gabon that centred on plant medicines.
Another belief was that the culture wars had basically gone the wrong way. After its lab discovery in 1943, LSD had been practised in clinical settings throughout the Fifties and had been the therapeutic wonder drug of the era (you can see some of the videos of its use on YouTube). The belief was that the genie had escaped the bottle a bit too fast — above all, through the showmanship of Timothy Leary — and that resulted in a severe backlash. In 1970, the Nixon Administration gave LSD a Schedule I status, right alongside heroin, and then for good measure threw in plant medicines like peyote and ibogaine. Baby Boomers spoke wistfully of their LSD trips — a surprisingly large number of Americans claim to have dropped acid at one point or another in their lives — but, basically, the War on Drugs had stamped out both the clinical use of psychedelics as well as a great deal of psychonautic exploration. The belief in the millennial community was that this had vastly set the culture back. So much of the great art of the Sixties, the music above all, had been psychedelically inflected: the Beatles, for instance, dropped acid innumerable times during that period, with Paul McCartney saying “it started to find its way into everything we did, really”. Stories abounded that the Prague Spring had been a psychedelic event, that Kennedy had been turned on to LSD in 1963 and that it had driven his pursuit of peace in the Cold War, and that Silicon Valley was largely created on the back of psychedelic experiences.
I had a similar experience. Even early in my journey, the psychedelics helped me immensely. Writing had always seemed like a massive anxiety attack — it took me months to agonise over a play. But after trying LSD, I found it came easily, I sounded like myself, and writing became a pleasure. I haven’t had writers’ block since (although the anxiety never entirely goes away). My fear had been that psychedelics would cause me to “drop out”, to become some kind of a hippie, but, actually, they gave me a new relationship to work — I could understand much better that a job needn’t be all of my identity. Meanwhile, there were no deleterious effects from the psychedelics. To this day, I’ve never had a bad experience with any one of them.
The most influential book to make the case for the mainstreamisation of psychedelics was Michael Pollan’s How To Change Your Mind (2018). Pollan told the story of the clinical use of psychedelics in the mid-20th century, and the “restart”, which was a series of studies starting in the 2000s by Johns Hopkins University that found that psychedelics could produce mystical experiences, reduce anxiety in terminally ill cancer patients, all with next-to-no-negative impacts. What seemed to have disappeared completely was the bad science of the War on Drugs — for instance, the myth that MDMA created a dopamine deficiency, which was based on a bottle mix-up during a study. Enough people were doing psychedelics, both in clinical settings and on their own, without going crazy or suffering flashbacks. So many of the arguments against the psychedelics just didn’t hold up. And then the clinical benefits did seem very real and were borne out in study after study.
I suppose the peak of my psychedelic journey occurred when I was stone-cold sober. I was working on a documentary about ibogaine — a derivative of iboga — and accompanied a heroin addict from San Francisco to a clinic in Mexico. The place was called “Clear Sky” because, apparently, an addict right after his treatment looked up outside and said “oh a clear sky” — it was the first thought, really, that he had had of the outside world after years of being in the grip of his addiction. My experience was very similar. I had seen how the addict I was accompanying was living — unable to sit through a meal without going to the bathroom to smoke heroin off tinfoil, driving to the airport with a car that would shut down completely if it ever came to a complete stop. And then I saw him a few days later, after the ibogaine trip. He had cut his hair for the first time in a decade. His voice had a different timbre and his eyes had a different light. He had no cravings for heroin at all — it was, in the language of the clinic, an interruption that could allow him to reset his life.
One of the medical practitioners I met during the making of the documentary, a former ER doctor, described the first time he saw an ibogaine treatment as “a miracle”. I felt the same way. There weren’t very good numbers on how well the ibogaine cure had worked but the clinic estimated that the recovery rate was about 40% after a year compared to around 5% in the mainstream recovery industry. If there weren’t good numbers to go by, I was at least somewhat persuaded by what I read in the clinic guestbook. “Take this moment, breathe the air, hug the staff, feel the tears coursing down your cheek. You have waited so long for this.” “I woke up from treatment if reborn, alive with senses I hadn’t felt in years,” wrote another. A third simply wrote: “Ibogaine saved my life.”
The psychedelic renaissance has since lost some of its momentum. There were a number of decriminalisation initiatives in different states, and a number of companies attempting to put psychedelics through clinical trials. A ketamine spray for the treatment of depression was approved by the FDA in 2019 and ketamine treatments have become widespread among therapists. Psilocybin (magic mushrooms) continues to perform well in clinical trials, above all in alleviating depression. Microdosing has become widespread, most famously in Silicon Valley. But California’s governor vetoed a decriminalisation bill and, more significantly, the FDA asked the company Lykos Therapeutics to redo their phase 3 trial for MDMA. Lykos’ offence had more to do with the fact that one of the therapists had had a sexual relationship with a patient six months after that phase of the study concluded — but it was enough for The New York Times to more or less declare the drug renaissance dead: “How Psychedelic Research Got High On Its Own Supply,” one recent article was titled. But even avowed practitioners have had to recognise setbacks. “The media pendulum is swinging,” Pollan said in an interview. “The wind has definitely gone out of its sails,” said researcher Rick Strassman.
Psychedelics disappeared from my life as well — and, as it happens, really around the time that the psychedelic renaissance was cresting. I can almost remember the moment when I knew that I wouldn’t have much to do with psychedelics again. It was during the pandemic, and it felt like a tide was going out. I had never had a directly negative experience with a psychedelic, but there were some adverse effects. Through my epiphanic period, I had probably developed a false optimism which turned out to be unsustainable. I had also come across some of the darker sides of the psychedelic renaissance — self-appointed “gurus” and “shamans” who allowed their transcendent psychedelic experiences to inflate their own egos and then enjoyed manipulative control over people who participated in their ceremonies. Looking back — and I think about this every day — it is very hard for me to say whether psychedelics have made my life better or worse.
But if I had a choice I would do it all again the same way. The psychedelics represented a journey into the unknown and the more complicated aspects of the self. They showed me that there was far more to the world than I ever would have suspected. And that seemed to be more or less the same place that the culture-at-large had got to. The sense with the Sixties was that it had been too much too soon — that society wasn’t able to handle the insights of psychedelics. We may have already started to feel the same way about the “psychedelic renaissance”, that psychedelics are so powerful that they can’t be casually disseminated on a mass scale.
That is not necessarily an indictment of psychedelics. They really are, as Aldous Huxley put it, “the doors of perception”. If psychedelics are too much for us (and they often are), that may say more about our own limitations than it does about the psychedelics themselves.
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Source: UnHerd Read the original article here: https://unherd.com/